V for ... growing older, getting harder
Today is January the 31st. On this day back in 1606 Catholic insurgent Guy Fawkes was executed (actually hanged, drawn and quartered, in so typically subtle English manner) for trying to blow up in the air the Parliament of England. Pretty much the same institution Puritan Cromwell will dissolve less than 50 years later.
I always felt sorry for Fawkes, for Mary Stuart, beheaded by three blows upon orders of Elisabeth, and for her grandson Charles, beheaded upon orders of that same Cromwell. And for many other historical figures who were tortured and killed throughout history. Yes, I used to be a good man. Well, if not good, than definitely better than I am now. I mean, I used to think that people around me are generally good persons. So, I did my best to be as good to them as possible. As I grew old, I found that human beings are generally bad, often evil, deceiving, unreliable, selfish, incompetent, arrogant and cruel. That used to surprise me and cause me profound sorrow for quite some time, but, it turned out that I’m not unable to adapt after all. I became a profound and honest cynic, half-full of disgust and distrust towards many others, even when meeting them for the very first time. And much more determined to ferociously defend what’s mine than before. My younger bro’ has shown me today an unpleasant e-mail he got earlier in the morning from one of his colleagues in the office. Man, what an aggression I’ve felt towards person I’ve never seen in my entire life! Such strong desire to hurt someone used to embarrass me profoundly even only a year or two ago. Today, I am not ashamed any more to admit to myself this “beast hurling within”. I even dare (even though this is supposedly an anonymous blog) to admit it publicly. What would I do if I really met this unknown person in a real life? Would I hurt that stranger somehow? And, if the answer to the previous question is yes: how? I remember a friend of mine who told me not so long ago; “What I like about you is that you never forget one thing: revenge is a dish that is best served cold!”
Yap, I’m finally growing up, leaving behind all illusions, innocence (not just of the body, but even more of the soul) and, ultimately, hope. Learning to live with all these losses, as it is something perfectly normal. Well, it was quite about time, for someone already deep in his forties. :-)
